So I took the weekend off.
I still checked my email and Facebook a few times a day, but made a point to not aimlessly surf or brainstorm new concepts. I cooked some decent meals, cleaned my house, played with the kids, tackled a few small home projects and hosted two poker tournaments with our friends. Productive, good fun, exhausting.
Sunday nights are usually my pre-game into the work week so that when I get to work on Monday morning to a pile of work, I don’t feel too overwhelmed. But this past week was a mix of loving work and hating work, so I am wondering how to emotionally prepare for the next five days.
It was actually a pretty good week overall. I connected with two Inc. columnists this week. Meg Hirshberg, writes regularly on the juggling act of balancing life and career. As a mother of three, she sympathized with my current “condition” (as I’m calling it these days) and the challenge of maintaining clarity through the nonstop chatter and activity of a two-year-old and a four-year-old at home. It’s always encouraging to connect with someone who has been there, especially someone who’s writing about it. I read another post by a fellow Smith College alum and new mom whose maternity leave has expired. She mentioned her surprise appreciation for having emerged from the “pregnancy fog” at work. I had forgotten all about this and was momentarily excited about when that day will come for me too. After seven months, the fog begins to feel permanent.
Unfortunately, the week ended with a resounding TGIF-get-me-the-hell-out-of-here sentiment. I marginally failed my 1 hour glucose test, qualifying me for the dreaded 3 hour glucose test involving an early morning stint in the hospital lab for 3 more arm stabbings. I am seen at a nearby birth center primarily because I have a fairly low-intervention/au-naturel attitude toward pregnancy and the birth process, and yet between the weekly progesterone injections, ultrasounds, regular tests and screens, I think I’ve been poked and prodded more times in the past seven months than I have in my entire life. Quite frankly, the 3-hour glucose test as a result of being 5 points too high on my blood sugar put me over the edge.
My emotional “weak moments” at the office are usually pretty few, but by Friday I had officially given up maintaining the stiff upper lip. I just wanted to swear and cry and go shopping and not check my email all weekend. Call me a do-er, but I met all four goals. I also made the mistake of calling my mother for support. I was met with a barrage of unwelcome scolding for working too much, insisting I take time off of work and start praying. Fearful about my last pre-term delivery, I have made a point to take more time for myself, working from home a few days here and there, but things have been ramped up the past few weeks as I become more anxious about running out of time to do everything. This of course makes the idea of taking a block of time off of work even harder to comprehend or consider. And as evidenced by my vacations this year, I can only realistically endure 3-4 days of being mentally absent from work. Beyond that I start getting tremors. In fact in the course of my mother’s lecturing I started to feel a little like that show Intervention. You’re talking to a work-obsessed C.E.O., so expect to drag me from my window office, kicking and screaming if you think I’m taking time off…
That said, at this point, I’m genuinely unsure about how the hell I feel and what the goal is for the next seven weeks. Am I fighting for the time and serenity that every pregnant woman should be able to enjoy? Or I am just pushing through and continuing to challenge myself to be “supermom”? Should I just come to terms with the fact that I am abnormal and wouldn’t take six weeks maternity leave even if I had the chance to? If I do, can I live with myself if I have another early baby? How can I possibly have another early baby after my weekly shots? What if despite my growing lack of faith in my hyper-cautious midwives I’m inexplicably diabetic?
I think the only thing to do at a time like this is to just eat another sleeve of Thin Mints and rewatch Twilight. I’m pretty sure everything else will sort itself out by tomorrow morning…
